This Is Not the Life I Planned

Let me first start off by saying, this is NOT how I planned for my life to turn out. If you had asked me 15 years ago where I would see myself now, I probably would have told you that I would be fresh out of medical school practicing as a physician. That was my goal. Never in a million years would I have dreamt about being a single mother with 3 kids. BUT GOD. Life has certainly not always dealt me the best hand, but I always manage to shuffle the deck and deal with the cards I’m dealt in any given moment.

I became a teen mom at the age of 17 and somehow managed to make it through nursing school catching 3 buses my entire first year. There has always been a tenacity for success. A lot of the grit and resilience came from me watching my mother struggle all the years of her life to make ends meet for us. I remember being a grown adult and still able to go to my mom and she would find a way. Looking at her growing up just always made me want to be better for myself. However, I was so damaged that I was always looking for love and unfortunately it ended up being in the wrong spaces.

After struggling with my son, I was determined to not have any more kids out of wedlock. I remember telling myself “Falicia, you will preserve yourself for marriage”. It was just too hard doing this alone. Fast forward a few years and I ended up married in 2016 with 2 beautiful children. However, things took a turn and in 2020 I filed for divorce from my then husband. After years of infidelity and multiple failed attempts at reconciliation, I ended up here. A single mom with 3 children (ages 3, 5 and 13).

Something about doing this by myself just didn’t sit right with me and if I’m honest that’s what kept me in the marriage as long as I did. I knew within the first 90 he was unfaithful, but I allowed fear and shame to consume me so much so that I stayed. Throughout the marriage I realized I was doing everything by myself anyway so why am I continuing to allow a person to rip pieces of me away?

In May 2020, I lost my mother and after losing her, I felt like NOTHING compared to that type of hurt and pain. I remember thinking, if I lose another person, it still wouldn’t measure up to the pain, I felt burying my mom. In June of 2020, I officially filed for divorce. It was like I was burying two loved ones. Following this, I became so bitter and angry. I was so empty. I blamed God and I blamed myself. I stayed stuck in these emotions for almost 2 years until the Lord delivered me and set me free in February of 2022. I got baptized and rededicated my life to Jesus. Since then, everything has just been accelerated!!!!

So you may be wondering how does this single mom of 3 kids still manage to work 2 jobs, while furthering her education, published a book, eat healthy, workout, run a business and a ministry, move across the United States and still find time for friends, family, travelling and pouring into her kids. WHEWWWW chile when ya’ll find out LET ME KNOW! LOL. I have no secret sauce other than the fact that The Lord has graced me to do it all. He has given me the strength, the power, the tenacity and the ability to do….it…..alllllllllll. My God.

Below you will find my TOP 5 Tips to help you

thrive as a single mom.

1. Put God First

In Matthew 6:33 Jesus says to “Seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness FIRST and all these things shall be added unto you.” What things you may ask? Well, if you read the verses prior to Jesus reminds us not to worry about what we should drink, what we should eat, what clothes to put on because if He is faithful enough to take care of the birds then how much MORE will He take care of us.

2. Take time for YOU

Idk about you but I struggled A LOT with “mom guilt” but a lot of that was passed down generationally. My grandma told my mom things like, “You have kids now so you can’t do this and do that.” My mom would tell me, “You have a son now so you can’t have a life, your life belongs to him.” So of course, I believed that and whenever she would see me with my friends or if I was dating, she would say things like “You need to get off that phone and spend time with your son, you need to stop all that hanging out and spend time with your son.” So, in turn I would cancel plans with them and if she refused to watch him, I just wouldn’t go. This pattern continued in my previous marriage as well. It wasn’t until I was divorced that my friends asked me on my 30th birthday trip what my goals were for myself moving forward. I had never thought about this previously. I set 3 goals for myself and one of those was to be intentional about self-care.

3. Organize your day

Ya’ll Idk what my mental would be like if I didn’t organize my day. With so many things going on at one time and sometimes in one season of our lives, I must make sure I keep an organized schedule. It’s ok if everything doesn’t go as planned or things overlap, and some days you may have to throw the entire schedule out the window, but pre-planning helps keep me on tasks, helps with remembering small details and allows for me to make the most use of my time.

4. Ask for help

It is so important to ask for help. I rarely did this too because I saw my mom do it all, so I felt like I had to do it all and that’s what made me a “good mom”. How many of ya’ll know that being a good mom also means knowing your limits, knowing when enough is enough, knowing when to ask for help, knowing when to delegate, knowing when to rest and knowing when to push through. I am still struggling in the area of asking for help but one thing that has helped me is realizing this, “It’s ok when people say no.” In the past if I asked for help and the person couldn’t do it, I would make an inner vow to myself and say things like “I’m never asking them for help ever again in my life.” Why would I make such a bold declaration? Because I didn’t understand their boundaries and just because I overexerted myself and lacked boundaries doing things for people even when I didn’t have anything left to give, I expected them to do the same for me. However, that is unrealistic. I also realized that although this time they couldn’t, next time they may be able to. Lastly, I had to realize “no” doesn’t always equate to rejection. I used to feel rejected when people said no but now, I don’t feel that way. I have learned to use the word myself and it’s given me so much more peace in my life.

5. Give yourself some GRACE

It’s ok to not have it all together all the time. It’s ok to rest, it’s ok to not feel ok. You have to always be real with yourself and your capacity. Capacity has been a word that I have grown to understand more and more in this past year. Sometimes I don’t have the capacity to talk on the phone, sometimes I don’t have the capacity to take my kids to the park. Shoot, sometimes I don’t have the capacity to be bothered with my kids. I have to be real with myself. In those moments, I have to be honest with them, I’ll gather them together and say hey kids, today mommy is overwhelmed which means I can’t to " ____________" but if you guys behave and watch tv and don’t cause any trouble I promise you I will do " ________." To be honest, this has allowed me to build an even BETTER relationship with my kids instead of forcing myself to do things I don’t have the energy or capacity to do. If you have a bad day and lash out at them it’s ok. I typically pull them aside and apologize to them if I feel irritable or snappy. I remind them that it’s not their fault and tell them this is not how they should be treated. I then go to my bathroom and light a candle, run a warm bubble bath and just get some alone time. Always give yourself some grace, you don’t have to be super mom all the time, you’re not superhuman. In those moments of weakness remember that the bible says in Joel 3:10 “Let the weak say, I’m strong” and in 2 Corinthians 12: 9 it says “ My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in my weakness. Let the strength of the Lord consume you in all ways.